Thursday, November 13, 2008

ODing on mediocrity...

Taking the Chinatown Bus to Boston is an interesting experience. Well, it is and it isn't. Inevitably, they always take you through Connecticut (for 3 hours!), and stop at McDonald's. Ugh. To relieve myself of some of the doldrums, I usually make sure
I have a lot of gossip magazines and crosswords, but sometimes find myself staring out the window. I always kind of hate driving through Connecticut, and only had a vague feeling of why until now.

Connecticut, I have something to tell you. Sit down, let's talk. Um... everyone hates you. Everyone in New England hates you, even states outside of your region hate you- New York included. You're boring. And you kinda suck. I mean, it's always gray, there's mile after mile of fakey-old colonial type colorless blocky houses. You have no flair, no personality, and no spice. It's like looking out the window at an economics text book, or tax forms or something. Oh, and you want to know the worst part? You don't even have your own baseball team. In fact, you can't even decide whether you're Red Sox fans or Yankee fans. So, on top of being boring, you're also a flake. I mean, even people from Massachusetts think you're white bred. Now that's bad.

But no, for real the worst part is that you put all these companies along the highway, like you're showcasing the fact that you're the home of nefariously named corporations like: New Technology Systems, The Regional Companies, Inc., Preferred Mfg. (manufacturing what??), and JC Penney Logistics. What sort of logic, exactly, does JC Penney need to employ? What are they actually doing there, I wonder, that JC Penney has a stake in? Soooo nefarious! And Gerber Laboratories? What kind of genetically modified baby poison are they concocting in that place? Seriously, Connecticut, if you want other states to like you, you might want to tamp down the evil corporation loving a bit. The only redeemable corporation name that I found was Assa Abloy. But what the fuck does that mean? (I could Google it, but I'm not. I'm so tired of googling things! Maybe I don't need to know everything instantly all the time. Maybe I like to be ignorant of some things.)

I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, Connecticut, maybe there is a you beyond the highway. Maybe there is a vital, bustling part of you that I just haven't seen. But I doubt it.

If I didn't have to ride through you for 3 hours on occasion, maybe I wouldn't resent you so much. Maybe if I could ignore you, I wouldn't feel the need to write about you.

Please, if anyone from Connecticut is reading this, give it a reason to exist!


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