Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Brooklyn's got class out it's ass... Hootie hoot!

Some of the strangest things happen to me when I go on meandering walks through Brooklyn.

So, I stopped in a smoothie shop around nine o'clock. The clerk was a young kid, couldn't be older than 19. He's very friendly (overly so for someone who works in a smoothie shop) and I decide to order a Pina Colada (I love coconut milk, yum). He says, "Oooh pina colaaada! You make with vodka, no?" Being a bartender in a previous life, and not being able to pass up a chance to show my mixology knowledge, I bark back, no that has rum in it. "No vodka in pina colada? Too bad!" Devious smile, as he shakes his head. I sense that he wants to strike up a conversation and promptly walk over to a table where I spy an unopened Village Voice and pretend like I'm reading it. "Sure no vodka?" As he holds up a bottle of cheap-assed bottom shelf swill that has about a quarter of an inch left in it, next to the concoction that is soon to become my refreshing fruit drink. "NO! No vodka! I do not want any, please!" Wanting to jump over the counter and rip it out of his hand (even if I did, it was probably all backwash anyway- ew). Finally realizing that his attempt to endear himself had gone horribly awry, he said, " Oh, you know I was just kidding, right. I mean, it was a joke." I say sure, kid, sure, (just give me my unadulterated fresh fruity beverage and let me leave!!) I pay for it, take a sip to make sure there are no roofies in it, and escape with The Voice jauntily tucked under my arm.

I walk a few more blocks until a new burger joint catches my eye, called "Comic Burger". Oh my god, how brilliant is that to have a fast food shop that caters especially to geeks? Of course it is filled with dork-boys who are on a brief interlude from their World of Warcraft missions. Flipping through the Voice, two high school girls walk in, each texting furiously and sit down behind me. I am reading an article about a movie called Hunger, which I'm dying to see (ha ha! Bad joke) and all of a sudden I hear- smack suck slurp burp smack. Finger sucking sounds. Eating with mouth wide fucking open sounds. Disgusting. Just as that happens, a morbidly obese couple walks in, and the woman starts talking to the waitress, "Ohmigawwwd, I luv ya stowah! Ids sowandaful. I wanna burgah." More finger licking sounds from behind me. "Git dat ketchup bottle honey. Whair's a big table, I wanna sit at dah biggest table." (I bet you do) Lip smack, suck... I don't know about you, but when someone sucks their fingers constantly when they eat, it's just gross. I didn't see them go to the bathroom to wash their hands beforehand either. Appalling. My look to see who was making these deplorable noises turned promptly to disgust then disbelief. The girls just ignored me, ignorantly chomping away at their presumedly juicy sandwiches. I left with a shudder, the fat couple blathering away loudly.

Walking, walking, then all of a sudden I hear, blaow blaow! Okay, it's not a gun... Blaow blaow blaow! Okay, it's someone saying that really loudly, there's a fight but I can't see it. Walking, walking... All of a sudden, this lady storms out of a convenience store right in front of me, "You niggas, fuck ya'll niggas, I don't need yo niggas!" dressed in red spandex with bleach blonde hair. The only response from the store is, blaow! blaow! blaow! And back, niggas, niggas, niggas. With out missing a beat, a kid walks up to her in the middle of her tirade and asks her for a cigarette. She obliges him, then back to niggas this niggas that. The men in the store continue "Blaow-ing" back- a noise presumedly meant to say that she's not wanted there.

I continued my walk, just thinking, wow, I love this place.

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